Sunday, May 28, 2006

so i think i lost my scholarship

the rules are: no c's
and i got one.
in african dance.

i really can't fathom why unless she has some strict absence policy that i wasnt privy to..or it was a straight up mistake.. but either way, i've made efforts to contact her in every way possible sans snail mail, so one can only wait and bleed.

quite frankly I don't even want to be on the scholarship. i've been through more stressful trials and tribulations last school year because of administrative bullshit rather than academics. I think if I were paying for it and didn't have to adhere to there rules my life would be that much easier. It sucks making an hour commute home only to get off the train to recieve a voice mail stating theres a mandatory meeting in 1 hour and subsequently rushing back on the train to school and having to sit through some bullshit about making sure we're being good citizens. Plus, doing this was only an effort to ease financial strain, a compromise I was willing to make because I figured--hey, I sort of dig international studies-- but quite frankly, it's not worth it.

Everyone (read: my mother and boyfriend) seems to think I have all of these options. But in reality even moving home isn't one because I already know what UC is like and it's not exactly something I want to go back to. I don't feel prepared enough to just move to a new city all together and I fear it's too late to even try. I definately want to stay in school and I believe it's too late to apply any place, especially looking for scholarships.

So where does that leave me? I've considered simply staying at my matriculated school and paying the tuition out of pocket, taking as many credits as possible in an attempt to get out asap. It's only $4,xxx something for in state students, which I will be starting August 17th. UC is 9,xxx for in state students, and even though the cost of living is substantially cheaper I believe NYC may be the way to go.

I'm not speaking to my mother at this point and I'm seriously contemplating taking a greyhound back. It leaves in 5 hours so I figure if I'm still heated by then I'll just bounce. Why I scheduled a 2 week trip here is beyond me anyway, then again who knew I'd get this news while I was here. I'm sure tuesday I'll recieve numerous calls and emails filled with panic and/or apologies about my dismissal. I don't know what will happen..even if the professor agrees to change my grade my academic advisors still may use the opportunity to kick me out. I think they've been waiting for one. But, back to my mother. I renewed my fafsa yesterday and my expected family contribution is approaching 18,000 and thats after we lied about the net worth of properties. Clearly uncle sam isn't giving me any need based funds. However, she's adamant about not having money to pay for school and saying all she can do is "help". I barely have a pot to piss in and she wants to give me toilet paper? Our house is gorgeous and her material goods spectacular, but she can't afford to pay for my education. I'm confused.

She keeps saying I'm blaming her for my problems and I need to own up to my mistakes but I refuse. I shouldn't feel bad about getting a C in gym. Who cares.. I've aced all of my academic subjects, a feat considering how much I detest the school & classes I was forced to take. She also infered that I'm not a stable investment because, as she put it, "Why would I take out loans for thousands of dollars when a year from now you may be in Timbuktu". So, basically, because I fucked up on my scholarship that saved her thousands upon thousands in the first place she can't contribute to me furthering my education. And I'm in such a position where I can't get any loans of my own..

One of 2 things can happen at this point.
The professor can change my grade and I'll continue down a track that I feel is breaking my spirit.
or
I can move back home, get a job, and... well... work.

Oh my options are just soo limitless!

lauren alyse belle at 10:53 AM

2comments

2 Comments

at 6:41 PM  Comb & Razor said...

any developments in this situation?

 

at 9:45 PM  lauren alyse belle said...

unfortunately, no.

i have a sneaking suspicion that my professor went back to panama and may never ever check her email again.

i guess it's necessary to note that i have a tendency to assume the worst, but in this case my suppositions may be on point.

but eh, i'll keep ya updated.

 

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