Le Ciel Est La Limite

& in one afternoon everything changed

2006-09-15T10:22:00.000-07:00

i'm closing this blog

wasn't that interesting anyway

my life just got really weird

...

my boy sean lawrence james

2006-08-28T15:51:00.000-07:00

told me i ought to start a music blog. i know i don't too much share my opinions and reviews of music on here..or outloud..or any where really. in fact most people are completely unaware of my extensive knowledge of all things music. well, extensive may be fancying myself and perhaps lying a little bit. but i do have a lot to say and when in the company of people that i feel are "on my level", i enjoy talking about artists and citing references for samples, discussing remixes, reminising, etc.

i could be the next fresh at crunktastical or something.

ha!

anyway-- he also sent me this block banger, that's a good look, baby, and a hood look.

beyonce's upgrade you

http://www.supload.com/listen?s=SPGxVl_m6M0

now, I'm usually prone to hate on her (despite my being a fan) and these hood chick anthems in which she caters to him while playing herself out and what not. quite frankly i think the bitch proclaims her crazy in "ring the alarm", in which she basically lets the world know that she isn't leaving jigga cause those vvs stones & royce's are HERS.

she's interesting. she's an independant woman but then other times she's like fuck it, i'll let him lead the way. i can identify. beyonce's southern, she knows there isn't anything wrong with holding down a man and the household...it's a womans job. infact, i sometimes reflect on how much i hate those bra burning feminist who decided women should be incorporated into society and do anything other than have children and cook a meal. do you know how much i'd like to do that? i want to be a house wife! shit.

anyway, i guess i'm no longer mad at her. i suppose i had to step outside myself and realize that i, in fact, feel the same way half the time.

sure it's a double standard but she's creole..which means she's a bit nuts anyway.

jigga better not leave the chick cause i'm sure she's itching to get her obeah woman on and concoct a mean potion to fuck his whole shit up.

i haven't felt like posting in a while

2006-08-28T15:23:00.000-07:00

Let's see.. I could either condense a months worth of stuff into a couple of paragraphs or I could just say, my lack of blogging has muchado with my lack of interesting things to say.

I did visit woodstock though.
There are indeed a bunch of hippies and for some reason, all of the teenagers appeared to be strung out. I don't mean they were potheads, I mean they all looked like they'd been doped up. It was quite sad.

School starts in a few days.

That should be cool.

I can't even front. I'm going through some things.
I don't even feel right blogging, I don't feel like I can be honest so there's no point in saying anything.

Whateva.

ugh..

2006-08-06T08:11:00.000-07:00

my brother continues to make my life easier by making it damn near impossible to be the disappointing child. we're still stomaching the second wife thing..but I belief this new stint has triumped it all.

well, i'll preface the whole story by saying NO, I don't enjoy being in Cincinnati so much that I just *had* to run home for the 3rd time this summer. In fact, i came on Tuesday but didn't plan on coming until Sunday. Why? Because my mother informed me that my brother, sister in law & four of the children would be here. I haven't seen them in over a year and I want to be an active part of there lives..you know, the cool aunt. Plus the last time I saw my niece Amirah she was still a new born and she didn't look like anything yet.

Well, today is Sunday. I'm leaving tomorrow and I've been here since Tuesday. I have not seen my nieces and nephews. Normally they stay with us but this time they'd insisted that there other arrrangements would suffice..the United nation of Islam housing. Actually, I suppose it's important to note that they were here for the children to do something described as like a summer camp and for thier mother to take classes. It sounded nice at first, the kids are home schooled so tey definately needed the interaction with other children and thier mom could certainly use a break.

HOWEVER... Tuesday when I got here my sister in law informs me that they have tight schedules and she doesn't think I'll be able to see them until Sunday (but that's the only reason I'm here..). I grin and bear it but of course my mother isn't feeling that (my dad is over it completely). She calls my SIL back and reminds her that I only came to see them and asks her to make an exception. She says Wednesday looks good, seeing as how they will be finished with there task at 2.

Wednesday, noting. We called once and left a message as to not appear desperate. Mom & I decided to enjoy our time together and stop thinking about them.

I did..

But now it's Sunday. I'll be gone tomorrow. I want to see my fucking neices and nephews. My dad calls my brother to ask all of the important questions.. "can we just go by and see them?", "are we allowed to go sit with them at the (UNOI) diner?", "why didn't you inform us that this would be like this? lauren wouldn't have wasted the money to come here", "can we talk to them on the phone? can we go past and just wave, damn?"

nothing.

they aren't allowed company and have to request permission to leave.

Jim jones?

Anyway, I did get to spend some quality time with my first and only first cousin, Julian. He's 8 months I think & while he hasn't started walking, he can swim.

Speaking of which, I think I'm going to go tan.

being home rox!

2006-08-02T10:48:00.000-07:00

limitless (& delicious) food
air conditioner
in-home laundry units
swimming pool
cable
a super comfortable bed
a little doggie (who i just realized is 10)
and my family

i can't wait to see my neices & nephews
soon as i do i'm uploading pics to show everyone how cuter-than-you they are

it's been raining

2006-07-22T21:07:00.000-07:00

something serious
the week started off blazing in a devastating way. too hot to function.
now theres incessant rain showers with regular ligthening storms too boot.

i'd never experienced that..thunder rolled and lightening illuminated my room for 30 minutes consecutively yesterday. i mean, the shit just never stopped..not for more than 10 seconds.

my scientist father explained the phenomenon to me.. apparently, clouds were bumping into one another steadily. it was quite scary. i wished i'd had a basement to hide in.

but anyway, fucked up weather has crippled my little bit of a social life. i've been taking naps all week and just feeling disoriented. because of the rain it's been dark all day so more than once this week i've woke up at 9 and had to really struggle to remember rather or not it was am or pm.

shit's kinda wack.

my mom's coming up here next week. she's doing some training in hartford, connecticut and well, I'm probably going to stay with her. I mean, it's a bit of a commute but I won't have anything to do and she'll have air conditioner.

2006-07-18T20:17:00.001-07:00

for whatever reason, i have had no interest in writing in this thing lately.

maybe it's because i got a virus which wiped my whole shit out, yousendit me an album & i'll love you long time. for now i'm listening to myspace music pages and trying not to cry. even more depressing is all of the pictures i've lost. now i'll never be able to prove that i haven't had short hair my whole life, i have seen the tower lean in pisa, the schloss where the sound of music was filmed is just as lovely in the film as 'twas with me on the steps, and i suppose the most important picture missing from my archives is one totally incriminating photo of my dear afrotrash.

speaking of which, today was supposed to be the date of his visa appointment and subsequent beginning of the life of an *immigrant here in the states. since i'm on here rather than primping my whole existance, you can assume he didn't make it. of course this came as no surprise, i was advised well in advance that it just was not possible, so it's more like the anniversary of the death of a relative, a date you realize and have a quick moment about, than some day of great disappointment. honestly, this has muchado with why i haven't blogged, i've been feeling slightly overwhelmed with a lot of things, perhaps per usual, and didn't want to make emo blogs.

well, my dear sisters and brothers, i'm here to tell you that I am NOT emo. Not today at least. Sure being in a long distance relationship sucks but it's not like I'm going anywhere. he's not some jump off, you know?

at any rate, the other contributing factor that's been disrupting my blogging is my philosophy class. it's way too intense and difficult, something to be expected when they merge a semesters worth of work into 3 short weeks. i was really in for a surprise when i realized this dude expected so much shit.. i'm talking pop quizes, typed 2 page prompts for homework daily..sometimes along with other assignments, three 10 page essays, two 5 page position papers, in class debates, summaries, and finally, 2 test. I hardly feel like I have a moment to think about anything else.

gosh.

I'm counting on august.
ever read the secret life of bees? she was my favorite month.

* i was tempted to say (whispering) illegal immigrant but i'm not convinced the patriot act won't make me a victim. you know, i've rented and borrowed some pretty interesting films and books and it certainly doesn't help that i am/was muslim. so, bush, if you're reading this, rock on.

an update of sorts:

2006-07-09T14:43:00.000-07:00

i'm officially a futbol fan.
i like jdavey's live show.
my new peircing is cute.
haitian mango's are still the best.
heineken is best almost frozen.
those 3 are beautiful.
dont call me before 10 am.
you wont hear from me again.
im excited about the possibilites.
i want to go to paris in august.
still mad i missed tvotr.
still mad is missed seu jorge.
i should've taken philosophy sooner.
i should stop doing that.
maybe using white lighters IS bad luck.
my keyboard is sticky.
i was so wrong about her.
applebee's drinks are delicious.
all about lily chou chou is a weird ass film.
i want to ride out to the beach.
im going to start taking latin again.
italy>france.

well

2006-07-03T21:17:00.000-07:00

i'm bored..it's survey time.

getting to know my tunes..

Total songs: 2,285

Sort By Song
First Song: "they" schools - dead prez
Last Song: zombie - fela

Sort By Time
Shortest Song: daylight - cody chesnutt ( i didn't count interludes)
Longet Song: i am your mind - roy ayers

Sort By Artist
First Artist: 88 keys
Last Artist: Zulema

Sort By Album
First Album: 10 anos depois - jorge ben
Last Album: ziggy stardust - david bowie

Sort By Most Played
What Song: you're all i need - bilal
How Many Plays: 8

Search the key word and see how many songs appear:
“Sex”: 0
“Death”: 0
“Love”: 2
“You”: 2
“Me”: 0
‘’Drugs'’: 0
‘’Hate'’: 0

(bill, brainchild bill, had 42 songs with sex, 52 with death, 1,000+ with love...)

Search for your own name, how many?: HA, guess?

Do The Shuffle!
Shuffle your library and list the first ten songs. No padding your playlist you hipster, you. Be honest!

1. mr nigga - mos def
2. pop musik - tricky
3. aeroplane - bjork
4. liquid love - roy ayers
5. remember -jimi hendrix
6. octopus garden - beatles
7. let's talk about it - clipse ft jd
8. hang on to yourself - bowie
9. do or die - grace jones
10. vats of urine - danger doom

omg, maybe i am a hipster.

Ok, so I still don't like Gnarls Barkley..

2006-06-30T20:47:00.000-07:00

but I may have a new respect for cee-lo.
I've had his perfect imperfections lp for quite some time..never gave it any play though.

I uploaded it into my itunes & just figured i'd randomly hear it mixed in with everything else.

Well..I love "Country Love" & I'm sad it took me so long to listen to it.

Anyway..I passed my dear mother the link to bongo's blog a while back.. some how my dad came across it today, said he was looking through the history to find a link to something and ended up there. He called me up like "guess whose blogs I read today? You & denis's(denis'?)".. I'm like oh great. It's not that I don't want my parents reading this, because I really don't talk about anything. I mean by now they're well aware that I drink and curse like a sailor. But it's one thing to know, it's another to read about...repeatedly. But he loved his blog and that made me smile.

Last night a psychic read my palm. He was so on point that if I had any doubts they're out the window. He said:
-whats with your irregular period? ( i dunno dude!)
-you just came from a funeral (yea, unfortunately. rip.)
-you messed up in school, get it together! (yea, yea)
-your love is in another place, that appears to be dangerous or wartorn (*snickers)
-you're not a native new yorker and you're dying to get out (basically.)
-you've been conscious of your negative energy lately (very true)
-theres someone with a J around you, watching you (julia's my grandmothers name)
-you got into a fight with your good friend, forgive her (sorry naomi, boo)
-theres something up with cell phones (me, anthony and jasmine have had to replace our phones this week)
-a friend of yours is a nurse, she owes you something (khadi, take my fucking movie back to blockbuster before they fine me)

needless to say..I was a bit disturbed.

I mean, this dude knew my life!
I hate him.

back to ny

2006-06-27T00:14:00.000-07:00

So..as I mentioned in my last entry, I didn't know how long I'd be in Ohio.
Well, rewind to Thursday, I find out that I have a ticket to Jay-Z on saturday, so fast forward to Friday, I schedule my flight for the next morning and boom, I'm gone.

My dad didn't even know I was leaving saturday morning. It didn't even occur to me to tell him..I was just sort of like, well, I don't live here..so why would it be weird to leave?

Saturday was hectic, got into JFK at 1, showered and chilled until about 6 when I went to Koku's with Dennis and Jasmine to pregame. We finally got to Times Square..drunk as fuck and ready to partay. It was cool, I'm not a huge Jigga fan but it is what it is.

Yesterday was Gay Pride. Not really much to talk about there. I mean, homosexuals at large aren't a very cohesive group.. I guess the common denominator is queerness, but thats about it. Even the parade was segregated. Aside from that, it was raining cats and doggies.

The highlight was probably riding my bike home from Bedstuy.

Today I rode out to Fairway, the supermarket in Red Hook, with Ben. You could walk out on a pier and see the statue of liberty. I got a shit load of interesting groceries that no bodega around here would ever come to see. So far I've made bowtie pasta with argentianian pesto (main difference is it includes flakes of red pepper) and arrabiata sauce from scatch. Topped it off with spicy italian chicken sausage and ended up with some banging meal. I also made some salsa because the tomatos would have went bad, but I over did it with the vinegar. I also made a mixed bean soup, but I realized that maybe it was quite necessary to put some sort of meat in the stock. It tastes too..boho.

I've also actually been learning a lot from my online class. It's basically focusing on african masks.

So, when I'm not getting my nerd on or riding my bike or cooking something random, I'm probably drinking and/or watching judge shows.

Same shit different day!

the stillness..

2006-06-21T21:17:00.000-07:00

is something i miss about my hometown.
I happen to live in an area that is urban & very much lower middle class. It's 50% white & 50% black, household incomes ranging from nothing to about 200k. You can find a little bit of everything in madisonville, mansions to projects, all within the same block.
Our home is antibellum & victorian. The first in the area, rumored to be the main home on some what of a plantation (although Cincinnati was the first free city one reached from the south). The attic obviously was a sort of quarter..but who knows.
The street is dead end & while there are a few other homes on the street, it's relatively quiet...almost eerily. I sat outside smoking my squares & realized that I miss the clarity..it allowed me to think and reason. Until the thing that I don't miss at all reared it's ugly head..critters!
I can't even recall seeing a spider in NY. Sure we have our share of cats, rats & roaches, but not much else..
In a matter of five minutes I saw a racoon, possum & countless insects with way too many legs. Eww!

Anyway, it's good to be home (again). You know, sucks for it to have been under these circumstances but I'll never be mad about seeing my parents & enjoying good food. Although I haven't even had any of mama's cooking since last time I was here i hooked up some of jolena's smashing moqueco & my dad's fallen in love. He practically had the ingredients on the table as soon as I came home.

In other news, my display screen on my razr is cracked. My phone still functions but i can't see anything, including texts. I'm going to get another one tomorrow I think but in the mean time, it's a little shitty. I mean it's my main vessel of communication with the boy, so..ehh.

Speaking of which, he's not blogging & I understand why..but that doesn't make it any less shitty. So, blog man! Or atleast post some damn pictures.

Anyway, I'm in the nati indefinately (school starts July 5th, so i don't have to be back until then. I say to say, who knows, I may not have anything to post about for a while..we all know how boring this place can be.

(I love it.)

i'm not doing anything

2006-06-19T16:50:00.000-07:00

some of you all are probably tired of hearing that.
since my class is online & i have no other commitments this summer, i really haven't been doing anything all day. Watching judge shows & procrastinating. Well,that was until I got my bike.

Koku's situation is the same.. we were actually talking about getting jobs just so we have a reason to wake up. Then it occured to me that I could get a bike & we could ride around Brooklyn all day. Well, I did. And we have. And thats really all I've done in the last week. It's probably all I'll do until later this summer.

It's been great fun. I got it on thursday & since it was my first time on a bike in maybe 10 years, I was looking a little stupid at first. You know the expression, "it's like riding a bike", something that means you can't forget how to do it. Well, thats a motherfuckin lie. But, I had to remember quick cause we were at a busy intersection as soon as we stepped on the street. I did pick it up relatively fast and we rode to Williamsburg, maybe 2 miles away, and had mexican.
Then Friday we had some crazy notion we could ride out to Manhattan Beach (in Southern Brooklyn, close to Coney Island) which was 8 miles away. It actually wasn't even a terrible ride. We made it in maybe 2-3 hours, but whose counting.
It was pretty amazing to make it out there. We were so proud. It was like a different world out there.. reminded me of suburban cincinnati (or anywhere with real suburbs for that matter). I mean, there surely aren't any 2 car garages with private basketball courts in the BK I know. But as you can see from the subway map image, we rode out.

We didn't get there until 7 & the sun was already going down. Operation tan:unsuccessful.
There were so many shells on that beach. The only other beachs I have to compare it to are those on the gulf of mexicoin the yucatan & the atlantic in the same area, virginia beach & those in southern florida. Oh & in south carolina. Never before have I seen so many organisms on the shore but perhaps it had something to do with the tide level. I'm really not a fan of that shit though because there's no telling rather or not something is alive.. Like, I'm totally apprehensive about picking up shells because there may be something in that bitch. Eww!

Anyway, here's more pictures from our day.

WE DID IT BROOKLYN

dealing with death

2006-06-16T22:53:00.000-07:00

when you're away from family is some tough shit.

my grandfather passed tonight. i was out with koku, we'd just gotten back to bed-stuy after a long ass day riding bikes to the beach. my mom calls me & is inquiring about what i'm doing..but not in her usual nosey kind of way, but concerned. i'm like..i'm out and about, why? she's like i have something to tell you, call me in the morning or when you're alone. i pretty much knew when she said that so i urged her to get on with it..to confirm my suspicion.

we all pretty much knew it was coming. he's been sick for some time. the last time i was home ( a couple of weeks ago) i visited him in the hospital. i didn't really want to, simply because i hate for that to be my last memories of people. it was of my paternal grandmother and i really don't remember her being anything but bed ridden. he was sedated & mumbling, but i feel like he may very well have felt my presence and have appreciated me being there. i don't know either way, but thats what i'll live with.

man, he was really some guy though. someone who personified the pay off of hard work. totally made his way in the world with his hands & common sense. he was born in back woods kentucky, with like 15 siblings, and didn't surpass 4th grade because of his families need for him on the farm. but he left eventually for cincinnati to work at general electricity, which gave him enough to provide for the family..but he also invested and bought up tons of stocks when they were cheap. he met my grandmother when my dad was a youngin & raised him as his own. after him & grandma called it splitsville, he adopted my pops cause they had more of a bond than my pops and his own ma. really, thats a decent dude to take another mans child and raise him. i didn't even know that backstory until i was a teenager myself. he'd always treated me like his little angel and knowing that, i have nothing but respect and love for him.

i know my dad is torn up & i wish i could be there for him... or him for me.

anyway, pour some liquor out for poppie, yall.

rip emmitt wilkinson.
take good care of my grandmas!

and seriously, remember folks, make peace with your relatives before they pass. theres nothing like being able to say good bye without any regrets.

love.

i took a series of pictures

2006-06-14T23:57:00.000-07:00

and for the first time all of them came out nice looking. my new "curtains" give me a really cool lighting. since i let darrin borrow my camera during the re & koku hasn't uploaded anything recent, i haven't had any new pictures in a while. but just in case you were wondering, i am STILL doing the sideways smirk. it works.

just got in

2006-06-14T23:43:00.000-07:00

realized i haven't blogged or updated my myspace in a while. then again i haven't done much of anything at all lately. i've been feeling pretty, uh, down (c)burger pimp
anyway, i had a lil bit of an anxiety attack this morning. my mother suffers from them & i was recently thinking about them and hoping it was not something id pick up and here i was, eyelids twitching, heart racing, hands shaky, feeling overwhelmed. i couldn't fathom why, all of my stress is basically over. then again this really won't be the first time that i had a physical reaction to stress after the fact. whatever the case, i hope its out of my system.

Sooo...here's the update!
Apparently theres an angel looking out for your gyal. Things always seem to fall into place. A dean vouched for me..basically during the committee's meeting about my status they were bickering and he essentially stood up and said something to the effect of "Forget a C! Have you forgotten that this is an 18 year old girl who packed her shit up and moved to NYC? She has more balls than most of these students and her potential is so great!" Thats how the story was retold to me. But, there are still conditions. I have to take an online class on arts & civilizations and an upperlevel philosophy class with "the hardest professor in the school". Ahh, fuey. So, I must get A's in those classes to stay on scholarship. I'll do it, whatever. Two classes isn't going to break me & they don't even interfere really. Now this hardest professor business isn't going to scare me. I'll figure this dude out and if i'm not smart enough for the class, i'll manipulate my way into an A. I can do it. Me thinks.

I'm sorry for being all -Oh my god I'm moving my life is over- Its not even that i'm dramatic, i'm just tragically pessimistic most of the time. I really didn't see any way for this to work out in my favor. I underestimate how highly people think of me. which sucks cause then i feel obligated to be something.

whats funny is they were all like, yea and your incentive is that this winter instead of italy we're going to paris!
im like, oh yea? and?
and they're like, don't you want to go?
im like, ugh...maybe..
not.

oh, i reread this and by the way, i am NOT still 18. I was when I moved. It's really weird to think, I feel so...grown. Woe is me. This is my life as a tweenager.

I'm frustrated too.

2006-06-12T02:39:00.000-07:00

unfortunately, saying it isn't helping me sleep any better.

i just had to post about this

2006-06-04T21:00:00.000-07:00

my laptop's battery charger is fucked, so I haven't really been online.

but, as you know, i've been enjoying the luxury of cable lately. something i've been without for nearly a year now. so, really this just means that i'm spending hours upon hours watching mtv hits. (i absolutely love parental control, btw)

anyway, a couple of months ago this girl I know from high school contacted me via facebook.com & was saying how all of my traveling & new life impressed her & she ended it with something like "everytime I see gwen stefani's 'luxurious' I'm reminded of you." Of course I didn't think anything of it because I hadn't seen any videos, especially none from culturevulturestefani.. and I have a problem adapting to this century.. I simply don't watch videos online. Denis clowns me for it because I'm always like "I haven't seen that video" as if it's not just a .com away.

I say all that to say Luxurious is the worst video ever.
I'm utterly offended.
I should cuss her out.
just kidding but not really

anyway, i have some what of an update..
a mentor/professor/advisor of mine informed me that my status won't be determined and finalized until august because so many of the committee members are on vacation. so, even though they probably will kick me out I have a couple months to worry about rent. They like to throw away $.
So, i'll be in limbo for a while but it's okay, one thing is for certain I can't stay hurr. Ohio is cool for 3 day vacations & definately made me who I am today..but nah homey.

besides, deluge has been staying in my apartment roomsitting & has apparently managed to squeeze in custom artwork on my wall, of course when he's not too busy having more fun/friends/freeshit/life than me and i've been there for a year, and when he's not scaring my boyfriend off by telling him too be careful, the girl has art of war* beside her bed. i'm just playing. i'm feeling very grateful to be blessed with punchdouble designs in my place. it'll make staying around worth it.

ok, i'm off to watch more mtv.

*addenum- i have a loved one who often doubts me. it tends to frustrate me to no end because he'll disagree with me or find fault in issues or topics that I KNOW i'm right about. Like, when I said "myriad things" was just as correct, if not moreso than "a myriad of". Or when I told him "Uchenna" is a unisex name. Again when he said he wanted to learn swahili so responded " Habari gani" & he immediately replies, I don't even know what you said or what it means but I know you pronounced it wrong...Despite my familiarity with all things pseudo afrocentric kwanzaa-esque, including that phrase.The most recent argument was over the art of war. I made the distinction, stating that the copy deluge referred to was Sun Tzu, as opposed to machiavelli & he's like, i know he wrote the prince. As if that disqualified him from writing anything else.
Anyway, the point of this is, I win.

(i still love you,lol)

amaechi

2006-05-31T21:24:00.000-07:00

one of my favorite words.

'who knows tomorrow'

i guess i must be crazy.

2006-05-30T23:56:00.000-07:00

i don't like gnarls barkley at all.

i already wasn't a fan of any of ceelo's solo efforts and i can count his collaborations with DF and others that i fancy on one hand. (liberation, slum beautiful, cell therapy...)
his voice annoys the shit out of me & it's especially bothersome when he's singing.

but really i wish everyone would shut up about them.
and yo, after seeing his daughter on my sweet 16, i really don't endorse this guy. that and the fact that my brother, who works as a curbside check-in service person at the atlanta air port, once assisted cee-lo with his bags to his car, more than likely because he thought it would render tips, and said he was disgusted because the car's interior was disgusting and filled with trash and snacks and shit..and he gave a shitty tip.

anyway pull up to my bumper is #1 in my itunes and i just uploaded it today.

le ciel est la limite

2006-05-30T21:04:00.000-07:00

for you uncultured bammas,the sky is the limit.
cute, huh?
it's the new theme of the blog.

no updates with school stuff, but my glass is still half full.
i haven't heard any feedback from school whatever, so I refuse to stress about it until I have a reason. when i was sleeping on esi's couch and unsure about my status this time last summer i worried so hard i got welps all over. that was so shitty. i thought i was allergic to her cats.

One thing I decided though is that I'm going to stay in NY and make that work for atleast this year. There's no point in transfering again when I could just take a shitload of classes and probably knock out my degree in a couple more semesters. I wish I'd have known, I'd be in summer courses right now.

anyway, today was cool. me, khadi & ryan went thrifting. it's one thing cincinnati is good for because unlike new york vintage isn't exactly in. there tends to be a plethora of items but I mostly stock up on graphic tees from the boys section. well, that and scarves from the 70's and occasionally, novelty jewelry. i scored today. perhaps i'll post the pictures of my new shoes, a stylish take on the jesus sandal.

additionally, i had a banging ass burrito that reaffirmed my love for the cuisine this city has to offer. we discussed how it probably has much to do with the real power of word of mouth in medium cities. bad reviews spread like wild fire so we only deal with the best of the best. i'm not even talking chains here (something I came to realize is a pretty bamma concept, getting psyched over red lobsters? yea, thats lame. thanks okayplayer for making me reevaluate my standards). food in ny is more often than not mediocre and trying something new, innocent as it is, can be disasterous. plus things tend to be too expensive and dare i say bland.

i'm from the land of oprah's favorite ice cream
that says something, no?

so i think i lost my scholarship

2006-05-28T10:53:00.000-07:00

the rules are: no c's
and i got one.
in african dance.

i really can't fathom why unless she has some strict absence policy that i wasnt privy to..or it was a straight up mistake.. but either way, i've made efforts to contact her in every way possible sans snail mail, so one can only wait and bleed.

quite frankly I don't even want to be on the scholarship. i've been through more stressful trials and tribulations last school year because of administrative bullshit rather than academics. I think if I were paying for it and didn't have to adhere to there rules my life would be that much easier. It sucks making an hour commute home only to get off the train to recieve a voice mail stating theres a mandatory meeting in 1 hour and subsequently rushing back on the train to school and having to sit through some bullshit about making sure we're being good citizens. Plus, doing this was only an effort to ease financial strain, a compromise I was willing to make because I figured--hey, I sort of dig international studies-- but quite frankly, it's not worth it.

Everyone (read: my mother and boyfriend) seems to think I have all of these options. But in reality even moving home isn't one because I already know what UC is like and it's not exactly something I want to go back to. I don't feel prepared enough to just move to a new city all together and I fear it's too late to even try. I definately want to stay in school and I believe it's too late to apply any place, especially looking for scholarships.

So where does that leave me? I've considered simply staying at my matriculated school and paying the tuition out of pocket, taking as many credits as possible in an attempt to get out asap. It's only $4,xxx something for in state students, which I will be starting August 17th. UC is 9,xxx for in state students, and even though the cost of living is substantially cheaper I believe NYC may be the way to go.

I'm not speaking to my mother at this point and I'm seriously contemplating taking a greyhound back. It leaves in 5 hours so I figure if I'm still heated by then I'll just bounce. Why I scheduled a 2 week trip here is beyond me anyway, then again who knew I'd get this news while I was here. I'm sure tuesday I'll recieve numerous calls and emails filled with panic and/or apologies about my dismissal. I don't know what will happen..even if the professor agrees to change my grade my academic advisors still may use the opportunity to kick me out. I think they've been waiting for one. But, back to my mother. I renewed my fafsa yesterday and my expected family contribution is approaching 18,000 and thats after we lied about the net worth of properties. Clearly uncle sam isn't giving me any need based funds. However, she's adamant about not having money to pay for school and saying all she can do is "help". I barely have a pot to piss in and she wants to give me toilet paper? Our house is gorgeous and her material goods spectacular, but she can't afford to pay for my education. I'm confused.

She keeps saying I'm blaming her for my problems and I need to own up to my mistakes but I refuse. I shouldn't feel bad about getting a C in gym. Who cares.. I've aced all of my academic subjects, a feat considering how much I detest the school & classes I was forced to take. She also infered that I'm not a stable investment because, as she put it, "Why would I take out loans for thousands of dollars when a year from now you may be in Timbuktu". So, basically, because I fucked up on my scholarship that saved her thousands upon thousands in the first place she can't contribute to me furthering my education. And I'm in such a position where I can't get any loans of my own..

One of 2 things can happen at this point.
The professor can change my grade and I'll continue down a track that I feel is breaking my spirit.
or
I can move back home, get a job, and... well... work.

Oh my options are just soo limitless!

x-men was good

2006-05-26T17:31:00.000-07:00

my only substantial complaint is that omahyra didn't speak despite her visibility. she looked gooder than a mug though, so did rebecca romjin.

I used to be really into the comic books because Storm was a personal hero.. as a girl I was all about bad ass black women, so yea. But I thought it was pretty much on point. Except the ending was trying so hard to make us think there could be another installment that it was kind of bad. Like, since that was obviously what they wanted to do they should have just let Phoenix's end come how it was written. Ahh I won't spoil it, but once any of you read it, lets chit chat about it.

i'm on that beyonce

2006-05-26T17:21:00.000-07:00

so since march 12th i've lost 23 pounds (10.4 kg, lol) going from 152 to 129..and at 5'9", thats just kind of disgusting.
during my doctors appointment i felt a little reluctant to step on the scale cause i never really want to know
but i was shocked when it didn't continue once it hit 129...

i blame austria, since because of bird flu they didn't serve any chicken and veal, venison, lamb & pork chops are all inedible mystery meats to me. i survived off of fruit and bread. but, i should have regained by now.

i suppose it isn't that bad because i had no idea. i mean my clothing doesnt necessarily fit any different and i dont appear or feel any different, i think.

but those numbers..sheesh.
im glad i'm home cause my mama feeds me.

wtf

2006-05-25T19:39:00.000-07:00

i've been sitting in darkness for hours. i forgot this shit happens since i moved to the modern world. it went from being mass* sunny and hot to a fucking tsunami. The power went out and we anticipated it would be back on in no time. four hours later niggas started to get pissed. i need to email this paper to my professor so we were on our way to a wifi zone and suddenly the lights came back on.

that shit kinda sucked.. it would've been nice if i didn't have shit to do..but now i have to give a "my dog at the homework" excuse and it sucks because i'm being sincere.

oh well

if it's worth yo while than say somethin

2006-05-25T12:04:00.000-07:00

i like this mariah video. my aunt says, "why she always in a swimming suit in her videos, i don't see any water (oops)". Anyway, I remember the gossip circuit saying Mariah and Pharrell were together and they were using pictures in paris for evidence. Clearly they were from this video. So I guess I wasted my tears. Just kidding.

I'm in ohio fronting like I'm done with the school but it's 3:19 (one of the numbers I play when i do the lottery, thanks to prince) and I had a take home due at 9:30 this morning.
I need to get on it but it's hard with all these family related distractions.

I went to my cousin kellen's birthday party yesterday. I'd told everyone I wasn't coming back to cincinnati until D was here cause I didn't wanna waste the money making 2 trips. So mofos were like where is this guy? Like..they weren't happy to see me. Anyway, his circle of friends continues to get younger and younger every year..not cute. My friend naomi wasn't feeling the party, probably because nobody was paying her any attention. I love her but shit, the party wasn't enjoyable because she kept talking about how unenjoyable it was.

Quite frankly I just like going to those parties to see people I didn't like in high school and hope they ask what I've been up to so I can say "Well, i live in new york, i go to school for free & i have an awesome boyfriend, you?". I mean, if you know me you know I hate new york, i hate my school & he's transatlantic. But, they don't know all that.. :)

I'm getting a tattoo today with jordan. It's how we bound I suppose. I'm going to get a sizable "Belle" in cursive on my thigh like a hood chick. I know I said I'd wait.. but I don't have anything else to do.

Ok, I need to work on this test. This blog feels so rushed. I'm revisit later.

Spring Blossoms

2006-05-22T21:56:00.000-07:00

Ernest Attah

Shall I compare thee,
Fair creature of an hour,
To a spring blossom,
Bursting forth in lovely splendor,
Or yet shall I,
Thou apple of my eye,
Compare thy charms,
To the silvery moon on a summer's eve?

No, I won't-go wash off thy disgusting make-up.

---
I was having an awful day until I read that. Now that's going to lead me to 2 different tangents.

1. My school fucked me over. To make a long story short they think I'm at risk & won't pay for my study abroad until my grades are in, two weeks from now. Yet the deadline for payment is next week, and they told me this today. My only option is to pay for it & they'll reemburse me if my grades indeed prove to be exemplary. Meanwhile, I'm confident that I'll have a 4.0. I wonder why I wasn't at risk when the trips were to Europe. Anyway, I was distraught because I wasn't sure were the money was going to come from. I certainly couldn't come up with $2,600 in less than a week and I felt betrayed that they'd pull something like that on me. I even flirted with the idea of leaving the program. I guess it's important to note that a month ago I was given 2 options, attending summer school or study abroad. I opted to do the latter & now it's too late to do classes & I simply don't want to. But doing something is mandatory. So, for about 4 hours today I was crying and worrying to death because I felt trapped. Like, suddenly I had to come up with over 2 stacks. Seems like a pretty fucked up thing to do to a student during finals week, but whatever. My mom said she'll front me the money. I tend to stress about money a lot, simply because i never want to have to ask anyone for it. Quite frankly I can already see this stirring up some issues with him. We're adults here, and if we're going to take grown up steps we need to think like grown ups. He seems to think that the sky's the limit and I can do whatever I want, but I tend to be a lot more practical. Like, we were discussing the options we'd have if I did pull out of this program. While it's what I want & it would indeed be extremely liberating, I'd also lose my income & have nothing to fall back on. I haven't been employed for nearly a year and it's too little too late to transfer to another school. So, I feel stuck & it's a little disheartening to hear him say "You're 19, you shouldn't be worried about it." As if age denotes responsibility. If now isn't the time to worry about it, when is? Because if I did what I wanted to do, which is leave this god forsaken place, I'd be looking forward to my parents guest room and a job at Urban Outfitters, at best, and that my dear readers is not a good look.
2. That funny little poem was among many in a book I picked up on a whim at the library. I realized it was due back today, despite the fact that it's collected dust since I took it out. So, during my long ass train ride I perused it and regretted not giving it attention. I got there and asked for an extention & was promptly denied. Some bullshit excuse that I tuned out after "no..". I want to own the book though, Okpaku's New African Literature and the Arts. I guess what Bongo said was true because while the title says "African" all of the contributors were indeed naija. It had an interesting essay about african anglophone literature being better than francophone because english has less rules and is more fun, as opposed to the formal and serious francais. However what I really got from it was that Nigerian literature is the best Africa has to offer. (My favorite book ever is out of Zimbabwe, but my 3rd is out of Nigeria, no it's not Achebe, but Zaynab Alkali). Man, I have to get my hands on it again. I decided that perhaps I don't like being an africana studies major. I need to find a school with a good african lit major. It's
pretty much the only fiction I enjoy.

Tickled Pink by secrets

2006-05-21T20:48:00.000-07:00

Pop pop never had a job that required him to go on any trips, but in the event that he was going to a car show over night or doing some favor for my out of state dwelling brother, this was me. I found this image on postsecret & I was like "hey, me too!".. Except I'm not white. At any rate, my mama is comfortable. I'm kinda boney maroney (her words, not mine) and I tend to elbow/kick her in my sleep. But even when I come home nowadays I wake up with her in my bed. It's probably because my dad snores though. Anyway, I be missing my mama!
So, I'm going home on Wednesday. I decided yesterday on a whim but I've had enough of NYC and I'd rather be with family and friends. Plus, I'm avoiding the negative energy I may run into at the re. I'd rather spend the holiday with people that matter. Besides, I don't like being alone in new york. It's tolerable, but everything I do alone I think about how much more fun it would be if it was with him. Simple things like grocery shopping and long train rides. I'm over it. So, I'm going to Cincinnati & possibly Washington from there (long story)..if not, then I'll be back here in time for a study abroad and then he should be here. I'm always looking for an escapism from my loneliness, that's why i'm in nyc after all. Wow, I'm getting emo.
Anyway, my trip home is between me and my mother. We're gonna bust a Punk'd on my dad. Like, I'll hide in his closet and be like oops bow suprise! He'll enjoy that. Additionally, I may as well say HAY BOO cause my mom reads my blog now. However, I don't foresee that changing the way I write because I don't think she cares half as much as I think she does. I hid tattoo's and denis for years and when I finally told her all my secrets she was like yea, i know.

Whatever.

today was fun

2006-05-17T23:34:00.000-07:00

i really enjoy spending time traveling through brooklyn above ground. most of my voyages are subterranean so a lot of times i get lost walking around or following directions that don't involve a certain train stop. i'm hardly ever in a car, unless it's a cab, and thats rare. but today jasmine rented a car so she could drop off some cable boxes in canarsie. yes, its serious enough to rent a car. it's in brooklyn but its mad far out. it's the reason I don't have cable in my room now. so, i was amped to go out there with her & her room mates (what up royce & sean) because a) i love road trips, b) i love being in cars in brooklyn and c) i would like cable in my room, even if my tv is so small i strain to see subtitles. Anyway, we got out there and it was closed. people were still inside working but they just didnt acknowledge us. finally someone came to the door but he blew her off. all he needed to do was take the freakin boxes. no luck with that. we went to dunkin donuts & royce got a coolata. i was fronting like i didnt want one but im still thinking about it now. that shit looked delicious.

afterward we had an adventerous night that included seeing a maybach or whatever the hell that fancy dancy car is called. yet another jigga encounter. maybe next time i'll see beyonce as well cause lord knows i don't really get too amped off that nigga.

today was my last day of classes, but i still have a couple of finals. my african dance one tomorrow (hardy har har), political systems of latin america-take home, due tuesday & psychology next wednesday. nothing too tough.

im going to start partying again i suppose. it's warm, i'll be bored. i need to get a job though so i can be cakey for him like he was for me. lol.

ok, good night.

hide & seek

2006-05-14T21:07:00.000-07:00

i don't believe you're ever too old for it.
It's not like it gets any less fun as adults..in fact, you just have to work that much harder to find a clever spot to fit in & essentially seize the chance to let your inhibitions go. So, last night I went to Jasmines, on some really bored shit. I ran out of movies otherwise I may have stayed home. I'm lying, I just don't have anything left unwatched but The Hours, Annie Hall, Lemony Snickets & a Series of Unfortunate Events and I <3 Huckabees. In case you didn't notice the trend, some how I managed to have a queue filled with white folk entertainment. I simply wasn't in the mood. So, for the second week in a row, I called my gyal Jasmine to entertain me. What started out as an arbor mist between 2 friends turned into a drunken game of Truth (we did agree that we're too old for dare) with 7 lushes. Once we sobered up just enough to be hyper, we played hide and seek. I was the it girl..and thats not a good look.

It was mad fun though. lol.

Other than that, I finally watched Jump Tomorrow. Yea, I know..took me long enough, but shit, I wasn't able to find it anywhere..except blockbuster.com, of course. It was very cute and funny. Even if I was thinking "sell-out ass nigga" in the back of my mind. Very quirky & fun though.
Also I watched "Happy Endings" & it sort of confirmed my appreciation for Maggie Gylenhaal and in a nut shell, sort of shocked me. I wasn't expecting that.

And now..I'm tired.
But I want to share this, yesterday I realized I very readily can channel my inner 65 year old black man from south carolina who likes a big girl in latex and whose past times include working on cars and going to church to pick up women. i've named him jackson. cleatus is simply too stereotypical.
wait til you meet my new character, folks.

a tree falls in brooklyn

2006-05-12T19:59:00.000-07:00

this brutal scene is a result of a storm & is in front of my house. When I saw it, " a tree falls in brooklyn" was the first thing that came to mind. It's symbolic of how i've been feeling lately, anyway. Ugh, I'm just so ready to go.

Anyway,I spent the day doing home improvement. I cleaned out & painted my closet. It doesn't have a door so I actually should have painted it long ago. But, there simply isn't enough time in a day.

i have nothing of any real substance to say today. Except perhaps that I spoke to my sister-in-law and realized this sunday my neice will be 7. Oh. My. God. Here I am thinking she was all of 5 or something. Shit. For the first time ever, I feel old. I remember when she was born! Seems like yesterday. My oldest nephew is 15 though (*shudders*). I also haven't seen him since he was four. shit, i bet he's on myspace.

hey you

2006-05-11T22:03:00.000-07:00

people are telling me they don't have time to read my blogs because they're too long (i see you ak52).. i'm not writing novels here! it's just all of 3 inches wide and right justified. sheesh.

and how come nobody comments on my posts? it makes me feel boring.
not that I really care..cause I stay writing in this thing anyway.
although secretly i'm starting to consider that maybe if i wrote less frequently i'd have more useful/interesting things to say.

i secretly admire those quiet people who never open there mouths yet when they do it's profound. I'm a little too aware of how chatty & outspoken i can be..it makes me a little self conscious, however im totally unconcerned about that when im talking.

Harlem men are too aggressive

2006-05-11T07:56:00.000-07:00

I want to start off by saying that walking down 125 st. is NOT one of my favorite past times by any stretch of the imagination... But it's a convenient stop commuting home & it's where my blockbuster of choice is located. It's next to HM. The thing is, the people who live in this area in Harlem have limited interest in the movie's I want or the clothes I'd wear..so I never have much trouble finding what I want.
At any rate, unlike the men in brooklyn who tend to compliment while hollaring, I was approached (or yelled at) by several different men who all expected me to be impressed with there tough mannerisms and harsh words. Like, they were straight up hollaring, literally. I walk around looking tough, no eye contact, no facial expression.. I don't want to give anyone the oppurtunity to make any advances, so I attempt to look as uninterested in anything as possible. So, one dude is like "Bitch why yo face so long? You can gone stretch it out so mo, I got somethin for ya." Quite frankly I didn't get it.. I thought perhaps he was talking about his little penis or a glock or who knows, all I know is it was a really odd thing to say but his friends just ate it up. Any way, I simply proceeded to head toward my destination (sisters restaurant, best yams ever) and forgot about them. I came outside from eating and there they are. His friend immediately is like "there she go, lame ass bitch". I'm feeling conflicted, but I'm never a pussy.. and i've ignored them long enough. Finally, I'm like, "I'm lame? Yall are following me around, some BITCH who isnt thinking about you, go find some chicken head to harass" and they get really angry & I'm apprehensive, but i'm thinking..they wouldn't hit a woman would they?

Then, like clockwork, a cop appears & they all sort of disperse. He asks if something is wrong & I simply said "no." and kept it moving. Pissed (and scared) as I was, I wasn't about to give any white pig a reason to fuck with a *arg* brotha.

More observations. Theres a shit load of braid shops on that street. Sisters were sitting outside trying to lure customers in. I was SHOCKED & HORRIFIED when they were trying to pull me in talking about braids. FInally i asked one last "how the hell would you braid my hair" & she sweetly replies, "Honey, I could braid a fade". Africans. hahaha.

I decided what my next tattoo will be. A snake in upright position, going up from ankle to calf. As terrified as I am of snakes, I like them in theory. They shed there exterior, yet stay the same. I can definately relate. Plus, Zora Neale Hurston's "Sweat" is one of my favorite short stories & it involves a man's terrorization of his wife with a snake, which ends up biting and killing him. Now I just need a good image.

I'm skipping class right now. It's one of those classes that if I were to be late, I may as well not go. I couldn't find anything to wear..for an hour I tried this and that & now my rooms a mess and I'm still looking bummy. Tonight I have my final in African dance & afterward, dinner with the President, vice, provost, deans, etc. not really looking forward to that. But, it's the reward for my hard work I suppose.

I hate mothers day, it made me realize how much I miss my mama :(
(I secretly want to move back home)

I'm having a pretty rotten day

2006-05-08T19:13:00.000-07:00

I thought after watching an hour long girlfriends my melancholy would absolve. Those 4 little ladies just do it for me. One of the positives about moving to NYC is that upn plays it twice daily. However, with the merging of channels, I doubt I will enjoy such luxuries after a while. Plus, today's episode was rescheduled (only for NY residents, apparently) until after ANTM on wednesday. Thats cool I suppose, a double whammy on wednesday..but what about today?
I was really looking forward to it. I haven't smoked in a couple of days either. I came to an obvious, yet new conclusion. It's a lot easier to stop smoking when you simply can't afford it. My bank account is finally catching up to my life. I am a broke college student, after all. I have just enough $ to buy a metrocard & to buy lunch through the week. Those things aren't negotiable, cigarettes are. Now, of course I could buy fiddy cent loosies, but I find it's easier to last a whole day if I simply don't start in the morning. Three days so far, and luckily (sort of) I won't get paid until Friday. On the other hand, we got a problem Houston. If I don't have something sent to ma dukes prior to friday, she'll either pitch a bitch or cry. Either way I have to figure out some contingency plan just in case my father isn't cooperative. What ta do?

Sacrifice something sweet to the mother? I wonder how my creole relatives would feel about me actively studying voodoo. Who cares. It's extremely interesting
unlike whatever protestant secular thing they're into now days. seventh day adventist, apparently. My brother's mother is way into that shit. Sometimes I secretly judge my father.

Here's something I bet you didn't know. Me & Koku are directing a movie of our own. It's called, Roll Back Prices: My Life as a Wal-Mart shopper. Ok, maybe I made that title up..however I'm willing to bet it's something just as ridiculous. We both took footage of our road trip to Long Island & subsequent shopping. She's in the process of editing it. BET or TVone should give us shows. I'll be a black, female Andy Miliokanis any day. Anyway, ready for a trailer? Knowing Ko, when's it's editted & complete, it'll be funny something terrible.

I really enjoy eating kiwi's with skin but afterward my tounge burns. yikes.
ok, all's well the end's well. I feel a little better right about now.
I've went ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGG a couple of times & blocked all of the right people on AIM.
mark ass niggas.

fuck dem poodles!

2006-05-07T19:50:00.000-07:00

I got a little bit tired looking at that hot pink mess & pixelated poodles. A new template was in order. And you all know I'm perpetually changing (just look at my hair, which I dyed fire engine red today).. so the blog was next.
Especially since I write in this thing consistently lately, it may as well look the way I prefer...simple.
Plus the bee is cute, and I like cute, but not too cute. Let us not forget that cute likkle thing will sting you.

Anyway, this weekend has been nice. I spent hours upon hours perfecting my essay & power point for a presentation in front of the honors committee on tuesday. The assisting professor wanted it submitted to him by thursday so I'd have a couple days to revise & things. I gave it to him friday, but hell, it's damn good. Plus this'll be easy for me. I love presenting things that nobody really knows about, and the professor i'm working with doesn't even know much. i'm discussing religion in revolutionary cuba: spirituality in a lay state. The class is political systems of Latin America, so it was a bit of a hastle getting approval to do this subject anyway. I think most of the resistance stems from the fact that my professor is indeed an expect on cuba, however atheist, and quite frankly knows very little about my topic.
oh well. wish me luck..I sorta kinda wanna knock em dead with this one. It's my chance to prove how smart I am, or rather how smart I can convince others I am.

Yesterday I went to Jasmine's house warming. It was nice..hadn't seen her in a while. She's looking great, lost a little weight in the right places & her new place is dope. Her cute little Ivorean room mate was fun & spoke a little with me in french. Her name was Tanya, pronounced Tan-ya, as opposed to Taan-ya, which struck me as odd all around. Tan-ya was a white thing, I thought. Aside from that, there was a handsome "blasian" guy there who my room mate was chatting up for a minute. I pulled her aside on some ICU shit & encouraged it. However.. after all of 10 seconds of dialogue with him I realized he was gay and wondered if she was oblivious. Well, it was more or less denial I suppose. Turns out he was bisexual. You know, I try to be as open and understanding as possible to sexuality, but I really don't think I have it in me to consider dating a bisexual man. I mean, he'd be all "honey, your hair is SO CUTE!" and i'd be like..ugh. I like my men to not notice my hair. Compliments make me uncomfortable so bi-boys, no thanks.

Today was thee most unproductive of all. I got so bored & hungry at one point that I went for a walk that wouldn't end until i ran into a wendy's. Its important to understand that a) I had no idea where the nearest one was b) the direction i decided was random and c) i felt pretty pathetic doing it. I got lucky, I picked the busiest intersection around me and went south. I ended up walking maybe 2 miles into flatbush I guess.. the place looked like Ohio. Desolate. I got my 10 nuggets & bounced.

This older woman asked me, "Can I give you some love letters from jesus?" I casually said "No thank you, ma'am" and yet she still went on and on about my soul, eternity, concern, spirituality. I wasn't responding but she got so annoying that I didn't want to wait for the bus & trekked back another 2 miles. In retrospect, perhaps a love letter would have been nice.

Jesus is my boo.

embarrassing mispronounciations

2006-05-05T21:07:00.000-07:00

1. Once upon a time in primary school I was picked to read aloud. The subject, Ancient Egypt. I was confronted with the reality of a new word. One I hadn't seen before, but seemed to be relatively easy to say. D-Y-N-A-S-T-Y. I don't remember the exact sentence, but I do remember the snicker of my teacher when I said something to the effect of, "The Die-Nasty lasted for x-amount of years. How was I supposed to know the dyn sound was connected.

2. 8th grade, a few weeks before Twilight Ball. I was geeked to go to this jr. high dance, and estatic when I finally got my ticket. This one is perhaps a little more embarrasing, but so be it. I was a 13 year old loser who was forced to study the dead language*. I recall reading the ticket and asking my mother "What's a whores-devours." She looked pretty perplexed, she couldn't even begin to answer my ridiculous question. So, she looks at the ticket & responds "Fool! That says "hors d'oeuvre!" and she proceeded to call my father into the room so he could join her in making fun of me.

3. Speaking of Latin*, once upon a time I was on the bus with Dominic, the cute white boy flavor of the week, and we were reviewing latin vocabulary. I saw "foresee" and had one of those moments ( I know it's not just me) when a word you're familiar with just doesn't seem right. I starred at it for a moment and finally said, "What the hell does for-essy mean?". Needless to say, he judged me.
Wait, I feel really obligated to elaborate on this. There have been times when I wrote out something as simple as "people" & it just didn't seem right. I can't make sense of it.

4. Aside from my having to make a conscious effort NOT to pronounce the "u" in Antigua, I think thats about it.

And with that said, I just drunk some mango nectar & it went down the wrong chord. *cough* I'm *choking* out *gag*

shit.

(denis, blog.)

this summer

2006-05-05T06:32:00.000-07:00

i'd like to visit a city that i haven't yet.

i haven't really been to the left coast, aside from arizona 3 years ago. phoenix was a shitty little place.

i'm up too early...under no circumstances should i be blogging at 9:38 AM.

besides, I have plenty of school work to do. how boring.

i wish he'd blogged

2006-05-03T21:00:00.000-07:00

we had an agreement. i wouldn't blog until he did. he needs to be pushed to do these things, i on the other hand, need little more inspiration to write a blog than a camel & an idea. i'm proud. i have many ideas and dreams i'd like to see actualized, but i think i'm a little more moved than i may have conveyed that he's doing this. i love to see people working at something they're passionate about. i draw inspiration from it.
(and thank you afkap for bringing him some inspiration!)
i just hope he's safe.

but before i become the worrisome girlfriend, i'll digress.
since when did cincinnati become so gully? everytime i speak to my friends they're talking about how dangerous it is & thanks mr. t.i. with your wayne head looking ass for inciting the rebels. shoot out on the high way, alright. everyone has a theory about why it's getting so bad, but my own personal stance blames hip hop. something i hate to do but hey. i personally witnessed too many of my middle class, gifted, educated peers turning towards street life just for the sake of seeming real. like, i'm talking about half the boys i grew up with here. i'd see more and more of them on the corner as i came home from school through out the years. everyone wanna be ghetto but nobody wanna be poor..or something like that.

i love the "not about love" video. fiona's amazing. i wonder why it's not more popular, it's a dope concept..maybe the guy is too funny looking and old for the trl crowd. hell, maybe her audience is just more mature in general. perhaps i wouldn't have liked her at 12 if it weren't for the criminal video being decked with half naked white bitches. it always reminds me that i have terrible posture though.

i was always the tallest girl in class. the boys teased me and called me amazon, something i should have embraced but hey. now i'm paying for that shit with my curved spine and perpetual slouch. it actually hurts to sit up straight sometimes.

i'm real ready for school to be over. luckily, most of my papers and things were already due & i reckon the finals will be pretty easy. i'm not stressed necessarily, just ready to be free. too bad I may have to attend the glorified summer camp for honors students. i just can't win.

it's weird to speak openly with my parents about my formerly private love life. they seem a little bit too accepting of things. they're like whatever you're smart enough to figure things out, just finish your degree.

will do.

I don't even want to know

2006-04-29T21:33:00.000-07:00

when the tanya morgan album release party was.
because then i may actually feel bad, but i believe it was the 14th or something. let me just be frank, it marked the first time in a long time i'd been out socially and also, the last time i have in a while. i just haven't had any motivation. i was a homebody prior to coming up here & now that I've been here a while, I think i've seen it all. Well, in the bjork sort of way. no i haven't seen the great wall, or even the statue of liberty, staten island, queens, the bronx, etc. I'm just over new york. I'm beating horses that've been dead for months, but eh.
hipsters are annoying... yet those are the only parties i'd be trying to moosy my way into, aside from ok related events or those occasional dyke or promise related things. i'd rather play susie homemaker (c) simone, waiting. whats the point? it's not like i feel bad, i thoroughly enjoy movie,crocheting & cleaning nights. besides, i'd just get myself into trouble. additionally, it doesnt help that going out cost a grip. i can drink at home.. enough of those $50 tab nights that weren't even fun.
and it really doesnt help that nobody else seems to be doing shit. it's not like i'm turning invitations down necessarily. when i do get the inkling to go out there simply doesnt seem to be much going on.

oh well. why i even feel compelled to justify my lonerism's to a blog is beyond me.
i'm going to walmart tomorrow and i have a feeling it'll make me happier than i've been in quite some time.

i really like noni's new song, brother. i wonder how she's doing.

hmm..looking at this blog itself i really wonder how it became so overwhelmingly girly. i dont think its really an accurate depiction of my personality. i mean, i do have a special affinity to poodles, my grandmother bred them & I can remember having 5 in my life time before we got roxie, who's 10 now. but my poodles were never cute and white..and pink? wtf. i don't even own anything pink. i need to goth this shit out. maybe not. my secrets out, i'm a 12 year old white girl at heart.

final 25 things that make me happy!

2006-04-29T20:56:00.000-07:00

76. crumbling herb (i like the way it feels, i don't smoke reefer)
77. when people say reefer rather than something more modern
78. being buried underneath sand (something i miss sincerely)
79. getting to final chapters of books & putting them down
80. tv on the radio
81. foreign films, i really don't have a subpreference
82. painting
82. lady bugs
83. learning new dance moves
84. braiding hair, although i haven't done it in quite some time
85. wal-mart
86. vanilla smelling people
87. orchids, particularly vanilla & some that look like vaginas

88. being tickled til i almost pee
89. songs that make me lachrymose
90. inspiration, having a muse, having a muse who pushes me ( push me, muse)
91. one of the things that made me really happy was visiting the home i grew up in & upon commenting on how large this particular tree had gotten, my mom informed me that she planted it when I was born. so, i like to think of that tree as my plant counterpart..it's the most beautifullest cherry blossom ever. maybe i'll carve nyame dua into it & we'll really be matching.
92. drive in movie theatres
93. sunday's
94. volkswagens
95. smooth skin, particularly my own after i haven't shaved in weeks
96. watching marathons
97. color coordinating
98. did i already say typing essays on crowded trains? something about that makes me feel pressured to finish. "it's a good kind of fear"
99. sex
100. completing task.

25 mas

2006-04-28T22:29:00.000-07:00

51. a camel after a long day
52. dancing
53. red lights
54. agreeable people
55. discovery channel
56. my dads minidisc
57. roxie! she's such a foxy little bitch
58. my aunts facial hair
59. addy, the americal girl
60. wigs
61. american apparel
62. rose wine
63. sly & the family stone's you caught me smiling
64. all the texts in my phone
65. black sheets
66. learning something new everyday
67. ultimatekelis.com
68. rap artist promotional posters
69. well, i like 69's alright
70. siboney
71. fela kuti
73. bozer breifs, on both of us
74. slap boxing
75. chubby stomachs

25 more things that make me happy

2006-04-27T21:02:00.000-07:00

26. chili flavored ramen noodles
27. when people confidently rock colored contacts
28. mangos
29. sitting on the porch smoking watching cars go by
30. when i get reception underground on the train & its a message i needed to read
31. ezili, lukumi, tsitsi, uchenna, LOUZOLO and karina..hell louango too
32. allen, alana, ajia, amirah, and jordan
33. my scholarship & the travel oppurtunities through it
34. cherry blossoms
35. cincinnati
36. jordan's hair styles
37. mcdonalds ice cream
38. ice capped mountains
39. barca foot ball
40. black fingernail polish
41. dresses
42. family guy
43. road trips to atlanta
44.last names that become first names
45. feather head dresses
46. sweeping
47. boycut jeans that dont flatter the booty
48. dancing with heels on/practicing my stripping
49. krumping and klowning
50. bbc- as in bbc.uk, big black cock, beautiful black chicks, etc.

100 things that make me happy

2006-04-26T20:19:00.000-07:00

One of my things i want to do within the next week is identify 100 things that make me happy. I think it's best for me to do this in installments, so 25 a day for the next 4 days & i guess these aren't exactly in order..that would take way too much effort.

so, these things make me full of delight:

1. waking up
2. mocking birds that mock telephone rings
3. seeing people i've known since they were born become teens
4. remembering that i'm a teen myself
5. random phone calls from my father
6. expected phone calls from my mother
7. when itunes plays the song i've been dying to hear
8. changing someones mind
9. 75 degrees
10. buttface
11. the fact that he enjoys being called buttface
12. listening to bjork
13. the way naomi dances
14. trips in geneva
15. frozen mixed drinks
16. really rugged boots
17. waking up early
18. smiles
19. european fanta
20. watching cubs climb trees
21. bow legged girls
22. dreams that i can remember when i wake up
23. playing with clay in stream breaks
24. juelz santana
25. dr bronners soap

i could go on but i'm sure if i do it the aforementioned way it'll be a little more dynamic.
i had a draining day... which shouldn't happen under any circumstances when a person finds out they're sponsored a trip to egypt.
but.. it's been worked out i suppose. i spoke to ben, whom i havent heard from in quite some time.. i appreciate him because he's one of those people you may not see or talk to for an extended period but as soon as you do it's right back to normal. can't it be that it was all so simple then? out of my friends i still am in contact with, he's the one i've known the longest.. 7th grade. i don't talk to anyone from before then & jordy, naomi and them came afterward.

i'll get some good sleep tonight.

well shit

2006-04-23T20:02:00.000-07:00

i got so carried away with doing d's blog that i didnt make time to write in my own. ..until now and i'm so tired that i really dont have shit to say. i realized that while html is probably easy as hell to designers and shit, it's difficult to my bootleg computer skills having ass. something that was pretty simple took me a long time. i swear he better utilize that shit. he's going to nigeria soon & i want to know all about it. i want to see it as well, so pictures nigga.

i love these little adventures my school sends me on but shit i get no real break. i've only had one day to recover from a 6 hour time difference and 10 hours flying.

i's a little bit delirious and should really be comatose right about now.
tomorrow i'll write a real blog. i think i'll have something productive to say by then.

love ya, mean it (c) pop pop

shit, that reminds me. i need to call my neice, it's her 6th birthday. God, i feel old. I have a nephew thats 15 now. Living in london with his white ass grand mother. i really want to visit and have a reunion. i don't even think my brother has seen him in several years. oh jordan.
i bet he's on myspace some where.

it's secratery's day

2006-04-20T14:40:00.000-07:00

wait..that wasn't relevant
i aint no bonafide typer
thats awful

atleast they have a day
students aint got no day
slackers aint got no day

my knees hurt really bad
to the point where i dont wanna walk
i wanna lay down
cause even sitting makes them ache

im bored
& i aint got shit to say lately
cause im in no mans land

i was supposed to go karoeke with the south africans
but i was like ugh...
i think if i did maybe i'd miss a call from d
but he aint called me anyway
lol
he texted me to say he goin to bed at 10:30
LAME

i dunno why im talking shit
my aching bones saying it's about that time as well

:)

the opposite

2006-04-16T15:26:00.000-07:00

in paris & italy i suffered from bowel movement performance anxiety

however, something i ate gave me a stomach virus. i can't stop shitting.

actually, it's happening to a few of us.

last night my friends were denied from a club for being black & having dreads. i really don't even want to elaborate but i will say it so it's not lost in time. i am pissed & even more upset that everyone's warnings about austria were true. yes, they really are racist. what's funny is that the 2 white guys who accompanied and invited us out to the club were, as i found out later, south african. they were cool & didn't seem to have any racial baggage. who knew? they seemed genuinely cool like white kids who grew up in diverse communities in the same socioeconomic arena. but, then again, i aint REALLY talk to them mofos.

i guess i just had an ideal about the first white south africans i'd meet & all the blatant issues they'd have. thanks for proving me wrong, yt.

today we did a walking tour of salzburg. it's depressing that i dont even have anything to tak epictures of. it's not very impressive but i'm trying to enjoy it. theres a huge library so i've been reading.
black liberalism
black marxism
guns germs & steel
&
communism of latin america
they're what i'm reading now. once i get tired of that i'm re-reading nervous conditions. i already read temple of my familiar. it's still my favorite book.

the conversations about globalization, cultural sensitivity, diversity & american identity have been absolutely stimulating thus far. it's always interesting to hear stories of nyer's experiences in terms of those aforementioned topics because they're so one sided. during discussion i shared my little age old tale of how nobody'd asked me "what are you?", meaning where are you from, until i came to new york. so many shocked faces.

today one afrodominican came to terms with the fact that he's BLACK. nigga lookin like tar yet prefaced everything with "in DR we..." or "I'm dominican, so......." but he was just like fuck it, my black ass didn't get in the club just like you regnig's. it was interesting.

anyway, even though it's 6 pm EST, i'm dead ass tired & have to be up at 3am EST. yes i'm a american whore who can't adapt or think in anything euro. speaking of which, i've been successful in not spending very many.

good night & good luck.

i stole this from postsecret

2006-04-13T21:38:00.000-07:00

I guess the first thing I wondered was if the person who wrote this was white. I'm already hip so I guess i just wish i had an afro. i could buy me an afro wig, but i'd rather let my own grow. i realized the other day i haven't had hair longer then 2 inches in over 2 years now. i don't even know what it's like. hair cutting is my nervous condition though & it really doesn't help that i think i look best with a caesar. whenever i'm transitioning and see a picture of me with short ass hair i'm running to find my clippers. but i want to get me a nice big fro & be fembohoesque for once. we'll see.

i packed all of my stuff into a medium carry-on bag. I feel rather accomplished because i told myself i'd make this trip my experiment on efficient light packing for my nomadic future. things are really starting to look up on that end. once i figure out what i'm going to do with myself in pointe-noire or ghana or tanzania (lol) i'll feel a little bit better. i'm glad it's all out in the open & i can discuss plans with my parents so that they'll warm up to the idea of me moving to the other side of the world. they've got a while though. in july he'll meet the parents. i don't think anything i say will express how loopy my father is so i dunno, i'm apprehensive. but who cares, i'm glad we're going to ohio. perhaps it'll make some aspects of who lboogie is more clear.

i feel really drained right now because of arguing about dumb shit. luge called me the hulk. in a way he's right.. cause my reaction is always like calm>cool>mad>angry>mean as hell>over it
it comes out of no where sometimes but quite frankly i just dont even care enough to have regards for anyones feelings once im truly pissed off. then after i say whatever im feeling no retort or apologies, whatever, will phase me. once i get whatever off my chest i really could care less about what you gotta say cause i be over it mad quick. i dont hold on to anything.

well.
i hope i have the net over there.
i need some batteries for my digi cam

shiiiiiiiiit

Lush!

2006-04-12T20:20:00.000-07:00

I'm drunken

good times were had this evening but im tore up & can't even amek a edcent post!

happy birthday boo!

& dgoodngit hoes!

Ok, so I'm excited

2006-04-11T19:02:00.000-07:00

And that is something to celebrate....since i'm usually so apathetic.
I'm finally on spring break (so late, considering everyone else has been back in school) so I'm relieved that I can just chill out for once. Well, thats not entirely true because I still need to do a 20 page paper's rough draft and that'll be on my mind until I complete it. But yea,only 2 free days though, and then i'm headed to stay in a castle. Yes, a bonafide castle... I'd been putting off my google searches and web site perusal because I really didn't have time to care about austria until now. But damn, look at this view.

It's gorgeous and happens to be just outside the city. I think I may enjoy being there because it seems and looks as if I can relax and do simple things to myself. One thing i hated about italy was the lack of me time..everything was group oriented and planned. This conference has a lot of free time scheduled & me and sabrina are already on a mission to find some hash and chill. she's a cool girl. still calls me chou chou even though i told her i aint no damn cabbage! but i happen to fancy her presence a lot.

I finally sent my mother a picture of D. I dunno why I waited.. maybe because when i went to paris i lied & said he was 20 and he's really 23 (he'll be 24 in less than 1 hour) and i dunno, i played it off as i'm going to stay with a friend of a friend from school and i knew if she say him before i went she'd be like.. um, you love this nigga. Anyway, we had a conversation that went something like this:
He's cute! i approve, he's a fine one girl. my grandbabies will be cute, yea. ... wait... tell this man of yours to make enough money to send you home every now and then, i cant be coming to africa, i like american soil."
and i say, "well, meet me in paris, america is foar (mocking tione in belly's 'africa is foar')
to which she replied "didnt you hear me? i like american soil. ill see you and your little refugees on my own land"

um..who asked you all that mom? i really wish she'd leave the country. well shit we'd have to start with her leaving ohio first cause she barely does that. my dad's been everywhere and done everything, it's an interesting dynamic. i think she travels vicariously through me.
aww, i miss her.

for the first time ever, a woman tried to hook me up with her son today. i guess i'm coming into that age where old people wanna hook me up with nice young men they know. while waiting for the instructer of african dance, this woman takes me aside and asked if i was married to which i replied a blunt "yes". i really wasn't sure why she was asking but in order to avoid any uncomfortable conversation i said yes so she'd have nothing to work with. She says, "okay, well let me show you my son" and she does. it's a picture of the 2 of them. A grown ass 28 year old man and his mother in matching outfits cept her shirt was pink and his blue. Unfortunately, she was serious. She seems very underdeveloped. I think she must have been all of 12 when she had him. I wish I could scan that shit..it was fucking akward fam.
What's fucked up is that I have a 5 hour break between classes & i decided to wait today and when 5:30 finally came around i realized class was canceled. I also started my period today so i was on a mission to get tylenol & tampons when i could have been home chillaxin. PISSED.

but i made me a mango orange peach smoothie tonight. that shit was piff.

now, here's the quote of the evening brought to you by my favorite muslim.
Sufisabur: WOW U HAD OKP SEX WITH AN AFRICAN
Sufisabur: U BRAVE

...goodnight.

One more thing

2006-04-10T22:21:00.000-07:00

On this past thursday I was fortunate enough to be able to attend the release party for Tanya Morgan. My favorite rappers from Brooklynati! Well, actually, they're some of the only ones.. unless Talib counts. Nevertheless it was a grand old time & I'm so proud. This means a lot for my city & i'm repping this shit mad hard. We need something good aside from the 'do da down da way' & booty snap music replicators. Go Boys! Me & DonWont courtesy of Koku LaChapelle

i wish i had synaesthesia

2006-04-10T19:56:00.000-07:00

i think it would give me that extra umph. make me a bit more interesting...or hungry
i don't have a good eye for art anymore. I need to take a photography class cause I really enjoyed that during high school but now days i aint doin shit but scribbling. hmm.. i still love this picture,

I do tend to associate names with shapes but these synaethesiest are crazy! associating numbers with colors and so forth. I have the envy. Now that I think about it I do have tendencies, like this is how i see numbers 123456789. most of my life dreams are in green and blue. they're also my favorite colors.

I'm driving myself a little crazy by not changing the channel. Since i lost the remote (4 months ago) the tv is stuck on UPN. Nothing but girlfriends,bernie mac and king of queens repeats. I need some substenance! Netflix.......send a sister her shit!

My mom likes matsiahu, that jewish rapping fool. I bet he lives around here some where. She called me to tell me about him like it was something new.

I'm slowly but surely watching M play herself via myspace. Luge confirmed my suspicions,we think i fucked her up. She been lookin a hot ass mess since i fired her. Like, the bitch doesn't even wear lip gloss. It's rather awful if you ask me.

enough for today. i just had to block a fag over some bullshit..i cant even think straight.

accomplishing a little

2006-04-09T21:02:00.000-07:00

I did enough of my paper to be able to finish it tomorrow by 5:30
I just don't feel like doing it anymore and I should go to sleep now because I need more than 7 hours of sleep tonight so I wont have a case of the mondays.

I have a mandatory meeting tomorrow at 9, which means I have to get up at 7:30.
But finally I'll see what this conference is all about.

I made a 43.things account today & so far it's been useful. I love love love making list.

Why does my room smell like barbeque sauce?

I need to start my diet, which means no weed, soon. I had crazy munchies these past 2 days.
I've eaten: chicken fingers, 3 serves of black beans and tomato rice, chicken & brocoli stir fry, 3 pop siscles, 3 oranges, an apple, corn, 2 peices of tilapia, shrimp mei fun, double cheese burger, fries, 2 peices of chicken, wild rice, apple sauce, 3 cookies & i believe thats it.
oh & cheetos and a pop siscle
lets of juice too

i feel fatty

i aint do nothin today

2006-04-08T23:23:00.000-07:00

but i did have some bloody orangeaid
&
i did watch a number of films
-anchor man
-troy
-office space
-nowhere in africa

i feel drained even though i didn't do anything at all
maybe it was all the snacks. munchies are not cool.
someone should invent some no calorie muchie killer

i talked to my mom today about moving & she hit me with the "whatever, nigga" response she's so keen on giving. i don't know why i always get so apprehensive about speaking to her on matters concerning D. I tend to forget that she can't kick me out or cut me off anymore.. I should be more accertive but she put fear in my heart. i can still remember beatings like they were yesterday & incidents with The ShoeTM. I should really learn how to say exactly what i feel to my mother. she probably won't even care.

i feel awful, i missed sabrina's birthday. I simply couldnt get up & out. Perhaps it was the long islands last night being chased with pot this morning. Maybe it was even the gloomy weather. Either way..that shit was NOT happening.

I'm setting up a 43 things account in a minute. I need to get a lil more organized.

5 days until austria. 3 until D becomes an old man.

We went to a ball

2006-04-05T21:02:00.000-07:00

The other day..
it was...gay.

i wish i blogged about it then cause i was all hyphy & shit
but now i'm a little less then excited because of the attitude (shade) me & the homie esila recieved on walk4mewednesday, the ball communities main web site.

the pictures are cool though
This is our house........... Elle.
although i was discussing how bothered i was by how everyone in this scene seems to want to anglocize everything. theres not 1 white person in any house or at any ball yet all the gay men take on these white persona's (anastacia beaverhausen & madonna for example) and the houses are named milan, manolo blahnik, etc.

whatever, i'm over it

today i got an unexpected $300. I'd turned in some reciepts for reimbursement and totally forgot about it. last night i prayed to the ancestors for some $ to fall into my hands and it happened. i was actually being facetious and said to myself GET A JOB HOE but shit....god works in mysterious ways.

after i cashed my check i went to my local bootleg lady and spent $15 on the latest dancehall mix tapes. upon seeing me she says "you look like the soulful type...you like r&b?" and i said "uh..no.. actually i'm looking for either dancehall or some crunk shit" then some how that led to her trying to sell me reggaeton. thats offensive to me. i hate that shit. & again she hit me with the "oh i thought you was spanish". i should start counting how many times i get this.. I need a fucking tan like yesterday.

austria in 8 days.. still don't know a word of german. oddly enough my father speaks it. i wasn't privy with this fact until i shared my desire to atleast know the basics and he starts telling me this & that. how could he have not told me this before? i didn't get it. he said he took it in college because at the time all the chem majors did & he's a volkswagen geek.

this blog is sloppy.
im tired but i wanted to write.

i decided to write my short story.

diamonds on my neck

2006-03-31T23:00:00.000-08:00

di-diamonds on my grill

my grill is getting a little loose. i should get them tightened before i accidentally swallow them...which almost happened today.

the entries in this blog as sooo far apart but i think i'm really going to make more of an effort to write in it more often. i am very introspective and perhaps getting it out would do the body good.

me & buttface are happy again. its amazing how we have ups and downs and break up too make up. i havent even seen him in 8 months. god. june couldnt come any sooner & thank god this time its permanent. today i finally forced him to consider me moving to congo. he's apprehensive about it and thinks i'll resent him if i dont like it. i may or may not but it cant be any worse than anything else. the way i see it moving to ny was risky and scary and not what i expected and im not really happy here.. perhaps the 3rd world is for me. as long as i can tan and paint and write and be fruitful i'm good. we'll see.

i hung with ko & anthony tonight and the party was less than fun. i drunk but didnt get drunk which perhaps was ok because sober is cool. but now i dont have any crazy stories or anything. in fact me and anthony spent a lot of time arguing about rather or not a certain friend is butch (shes not even a lesbian)

yea.

in a sentimental mood

2005-06-14T05:22:00.000-07:00

privately sentimental.
which is why i'll post this here..nobody reads this shit.
which is why when everyone ask whats wrong i say nothing and smile..
naomi actually wondered if i had a bad time on my trip since i didnt seem at all happy when she inquired, but it had everything to do with having to leave than i did being there..
i think some can sense that i'm feeling something other than what a normal tourist who'd come back with stories of the great eiffel tour or some other bullshit... but they cant put a finger on it. they've settled for me just being tired.
the truth is i feel like i left a part of myself there.
but i cant be sad about it, i can only do things that will make it possible to be with him always rather than for week long trips..
howeve, thats the part where i get lost. not only am i a generally indecisive, planless person...i dont really see anyway for this to be feasible any time soon without just totally dropping off the face of the earth and essentially leaving everything behind with no real plan. i still have over 3 years of college left...this would be so much easier if i was older.
and even as far as college is concerned, the whole purpose of that is ideally to go on and get a job, get money and do something useful. thats hard when you dont know concretely what you want to do.. i mean im doing history for myself, simply because i like to learn. but how will that help in a remote village in brazil? i suppose before that in itself is even possible i'd have to get a job so that i could afford to leave and settle there, which seems lovely and i even WANT that but how likely is it? i dont know, because for me talks of just up and moving is my fantasy, to think about actualizing it seems sort of funny..like will that ever really happen?
could i be selfish enough to just abandon everything? my parents would go insane but really its not about them, its about me and my pursuit of happiness and what makes me the happiest i've ever been in my whole life is laying in his arms and talking about nothing.
i need that all of the time and considering that it may take years for it to happen kills my optimism and spirit and i really dont think i can manage that.
at the same time i dont want to be pushy or invasive, which is why i kept telling him to move on.. i could spend my whole life living off of moments that i did have but i dont want that life for him, nor do i think he could manage it for himself. so what do i do? i dont know. how can it work? i dont know.
one thing is for sure, i'd follow him to hell if its where he wanted to go. but i want him to do whatever he wants to make him satisfied. like make movies or go to congo or whatever.
i feel so much pressure to go to school. maybe i could go to american university there, but again too invasive. i'll wait until hes ready.
ready for what? i dont know.
there is no certainty, only a promise for the future..one day but who knows when.
this is painful.

i love this blog shit

2005-01-16T19:28:00.000-08:00

why didn't i start earlier?
i remember back in the day i had a journal. and then me and jordan had notebooks that were essentially journals that we exchanged to eachother.

i said something offensive but i didnt realize it until today.
theres a girl named damilola i know who has a jeri curl. i was at a basketball game on friday and someone mentioned her..the girl in front of me chimed into the conversation..
i said "yo why she still rockin that s curl"
the girl in front said "thats cold, why you gettin on lola like that?"
and i said "yo..shes african, i know someone in her family can braid her shit or something. you know africans can braid the shit out of hair."
the girl in front of me was like "you act like every african in america is a hair stylist."
and i said "they might not be,but they got a cousin who is"
sorry.
i didnt remember until today that the girl in front of me is ameeba and she's african. i totally forgot she was african, i may have struck a cord with her.

so.
to all my africans out there i love you.
you can braid my hair any time.
hi denis,hi amal :)
ill fry some chicken to the stereotypes

lola was always weird though. her sister goes to harvard and she was in essence magazine for being a super smart black girl. neither of them have ever been extremely friendly though.

in other news i feel bad for always dodging ryan. but i dont feel like being bothered. he always wants to come over so i can upload his music to his myspace page. what do i look like? i know hes too computer illiterate to figure it out, buthim coming over means i'd have to entertain him and talk to him for atleast 2-3 hours. lord knows when im at home i dont want company,aside from jordan who's essentially the 4th member of the doggett household. it would be better if he'd just drop the cd off. SPEAK OF THE DEVIL, he just messaged me. he's like my real life Isa..just coming out of no where like "wassup ma".

there is a guy..lets just call him x for the sake of this. he is a nice guy,but he lacks the UMPH that other guys im attracted to have. theres nothing exciting about him and he's very predictable. i dont like that. he reminds me of my dad, i bet if he was a little dumber he'd vote for bush. theres no harm in maintaining a friendship, but lately he's been pushing up on me and flirting a little more heavily than necessary. i want to tell him to dye his beard or listen to kittie and then i'll be interested. i hate to admit that, but i need something alternative to spark me. god hes so boring and perfect. he makes me feel crazy and shit.
god im done talking about that.

amal wants to start a collective blog with the gang of e-haters. i think we should call it unitedhatersofbeneton.blogspot.com hehe

i need to decide upon a tattoo by friday
23 days until my earthday

paz.

manual to digital

2005-01-16T11:55:00.000-08:00

literally..
the ink will soon rub off my hand so i have to transfer everything on it to my blog..

monique/trung trac/trung nhi/turkey/embargos/mao zedong/rolling stones/china/porcelain/cuba/FIT/CAU/ DH Lawrence/human stain/folk dance

end.
not to self..
stop writing on hand.

oh yea and the therapist

2005-01-14T13:36:00.001-08:00

she was cool..
nice to talk to.
but she makes race more of an issue than it is.
she also asked if i was gay.
she wondered why i dont date..
she thinks im pretty
she thinks me and my dad dont get along because he is a black man
and black men are used to being the cheif
i challenege him,and he hates that.
but yo, why does everyone wonder if im gay?

she also assumed i was poor..
or infered that..
which aint cool.

more on thursday after appointment 2

i used to talk to myself

2005-01-14T13:36:00.000-08:00

i'd tell him shut the fuck up! (c) doom

today has been cool.
i had to go to school and pick up some reference books.
why? i dunno, cause its not like i'm going to study this weekend anyway. martin luther king day is a beautiful thing.. simply because i dont have school. but also because of the african culture fest. i can get cheap shea butter and nag champa there. i'll admit though, the neo soul imma african fake ass negros get on my nerves. oop.
anyway, while i was on campus my favorite bum started talking to me. he asked if i had a cigarette for him today and i said no, i stopped smoking. and he started shouting PRAISE JEHOVA...you got some money then?
after that me and mom went to international market.i stole mango phillies,castile soap,some$10 a bar belguim chocolate and ginger altoids. i bought kumquaits,fuji apples and 2 steaks. then i remembered jordan doesnt eat steak so i stole some of my moms chicken. J is coming over for dinner in 2 hours and then we're going to see mike and them play basketball. naomi is on the step team..lmao. she had zero rhythm so that should be funny. *note to self, dont let naomi in on this blog*
tomorrow khadi is picking me up after work and we're going to do shrooms.i havent done them in like 2 or 3 years, quite a while. its funny because she is muslim...and shes the worst influence on me morally. oh well.
i have a funny story, when me and my mom were at the market i was like "dang i really have to use the bathroom" and mom was like "yea, me too" and we pracitically raced to go use it. once i got in there i took a poop and felt embarrased because my mom started laughing from the next stale. turns out she was laughing because we both pooped. anyway, i walked out of the stall and a lady in line walked in. 2 seconds later she turned away and went "damn". my mom came out next and the woman went in her stale..she turned out yet again and went "oh my god." lmao..me and my mom were so embarrased. LOL.
whew that was funny as fuck.

sigh

2005-01-11T06:42:00.000-08:00

oh yea.
i do need to quit smoking.
i have a lump in my breast thats really sensitive and shit. aww man, im still laughing because na told me megan said her boobs are so big that they jiggle no matter what. she got on birth control and became president of the not so little tittie commitee. loser. they'll inflate as soon as shes off it.
but yea, last night i smoked the last newport in the pack. i dont even know how i managed to pick up the habit again. i smoked in the 7th grade hardcore with my cousin aly and my friend amandas help. since then cigarettes were an occasional thing, blacks more regular, cloves occasionally. ive got to stop though. infact, im done cold turkey.
*shakes violently*
im cold.

sike naw, im cool for now but i'll feel it tonight.
i didnt make any nye resolutions.
ill make them today, 11 days late because im lazy.

1.no smoking
2.better diet--less sweets
3.an exercise plan
4.more documentation of thoughts, be it writting,art,screaming, whatever
5.being more serious about school
6.
7.

i'll leave those options open.
i really need to change my diet though. lately i've been waking up and eating a peice of fruit, drowning 2 concertas with cranberry juice, eating 3 cookies and calling it a day.
then i get home and eat some bullshit, a balanced meal because my mom cooks..but followed by ice cream and shit.
i also need to find a vitamin since i dont eat anything with calcium,iron or good bacteria. i keep getting yeast infections because of it. well, not keep..but lol i've had 2 since june.

end.
im feeling better today

frustation

2005-01-10T18:19:00.000-08:00

uh huh her