Tuesday, June 14, 2005
in a sentimental mood
privately sentimental.which is why i'll post this here..nobody reads this shit.
which is why when everyone ask whats wrong i say nothing and smile..
naomi actually wondered if i had a bad time on my trip since i didnt seem at all happy when she inquired, but it had everything to do with having to leave than i did being there..
i think some can sense that i'm feeling something other than what a normal tourist who'd come back with stories of the great eiffel tour or some other bullshit... but they cant put a finger on it. they've settled for me just being tired.
the truth is i feel like i left a part of myself there.
but i cant be sad about it, i can only do things that will make it possible to be with him always rather than for week long trips..
howeve, thats the part where i get lost. not only am i a generally indecisive, planless person...i dont really see anyway for this to be feasible any time soon without just totally dropping off the face of the earth and essentially leaving everything behind with no real plan. i still have over 3 years of college left...this would be so much easier if i was older.
and even as far as college is concerned, the whole purpose of that is ideally to go on and get a job, get money and do something useful. thats hard when you dont know concretely what you want to do.. i mean im doing history for myself, simply because i like to learn. but how will that help in a remote village in brazil? i suppose before that in itself is even possible i'd have to get a job so that i could afford to leave and settle there, which seems lovely and i even WANT that but how likely is it? i dont know, because for me talks of just up and moving is my fantasy, to think about actualizing it seems sort of funny..like will that ever really happen?
could i be selfish enough to just abandon everything? my parents would go insane but really its not about them, its about me and my pursuit of happiness and what makes me the happiest i've ever been in my whole life is laying in his arms and talking about nothing.
i need that all of the time and considering that it may take years for it to happen kills my optimism and spirit and i really dont think i can manage that.
at the same time i dont want to be pushy or invasive, which is why i kept telling him to move on.. i could spend my whole life living off of moments that i did have but i dont want that life for him, nor do i think he could manage it for himself. so what do i do? i dont know. how can it work? i dont know.
one thing is for sure, i'd follow him to hell if its where he wanted to go. but i want him to do whatever he wants to make him satisfied. like make movies or go to congo or whatever.
i feel so much pressure to go to school. maybe i could go to american university there, but again too invasive. i'll wait until hes ready.
ready for what? i dont know.
there is no certainty, only a promise for the future..one day but who knows when.
this is painful.
lauren alyse belle at 5:22 AM